Substack Writer Has Major Breakthrough

From trolling to rolling in cash

Think positive. / Image source: Wikimedia Commons, Public Domain

Frank was just another Substack writer in search of an audience.

Frank had tried everything to grow via Notes. Frank tried cats, growth hacks, listicles, shitsicles, satire, puppy dogs, sunsets, and famous quotes.

Satire was a bad, bad idea. The majority of users were in complete earnest about becoming very, very successful on Substack and were not here to crack jokes.

Substack in fact did try to give Frank a hint by simply not even including a topic or tag for satire among its conventional offerings. Why couldn’t Frank choose the tag ‘health and wellness’ or ‘technology’?

But Frank had other ideas.

Frank tried following the rich and famous, restacking the CEO’s latest Note, calling Substack the greatest platform ever.

Frank tried jumping up and down and shouting, LOOK AT ME!

Frank then did a 360, tuned out the noise, got down to brass tacks and wrote his best stuff as if he was the only audience he cared for.

Same result. Authentic or inauthentic, performative or 100% sincere, Frank woke up to the same few stragglers far away in the upper deck of a largely empty stadium.

Then one night, Frank’s alter-ego, demon, midnight clown, doppelganger, angel, or whateverthefuck rudely interrupted Frank’s failure-reverie with an unsolicited performance review of his year on Substack.

Frank’s demon-clown had this to say—

WTF Frank?

Frank needed more information.

WTF what?

The doppelganger-angel then let loose—

How many rants about your own Substack failures and satires about the successes of writers who write articles like How To Rake It In On Substack Like You Own The Place do you need to write to see that your strategy is simply making you fail even harder while your nemesis self-help success gurus succeed more and more?

Frank had an answer to this insulting line of questioning.

I don’t know, ten? Maybe twenty? Fifty? I write for the 95% of Substack writers who in fact fail, not the 5% who lie their way to success with clickbait.

The shadow-snake didn’t blink—

The problem with your philosophy, Frank, is that the 95% you speak of would rather believe they can succeed and don’t like to be told they are failing, especially when they are well and truly failing. What don’t you understand about that?

Frank dug his heels in and defended his so-called strategy—

But it makes me angry! We shouldn’t lie to ourselves. Who profits? Who benefits?

Clownface laughed—

Being angry changes nothing. Human nature is such that we love to be deceived. If you want to succeed, rather than writing a gloomy, depressing, pessimistic tragedy titled Substack Writer Wakes Up To No Audience about a failure who can’t grow, write instead a rousing, optimistic hero’s opera titled Substack Writer Has Major Breakthrough! People prefer success stories, even when they are not true.

Frank was nonplussed. Annoyed. Skeptical.

The fuck they do.

Devil-clown then whispered in Frank’s ear—

Try it!

Frank didn’t care for unsolicited midnight advice from cocky clowns who thought they knew better than him. Then again, Frank had absolutely nothing to lose as he was absolutely failing on Substack and making absolutely no money.

What if he changed tack and started writing those tried and true titles that always went viral on Substack? Titles like—

1. 10 Reasons Your Articles Aren’t Being Read

2. 100 Reasons Your Articles Are Not Bestsellers

3. If You Want To Go Viral, Avoid These 3 Common Thought Crimes

4. 20 Ways To Make AI Your Bitch

5. If You Want To Be Rich Like Me, Follow These 5 Life Hacks

Titles that exuded confidence, sass, chutzpah, and a promise of success.

What if, in fact, Frank listened to his clown-devil?

While he might lose his ten genuine followers, he would gain 100,000 subscribers who just love the sound of success, even when his clickbait stories couldn’t be further from the truth!

A breakthrough is a breakthrough. / Image source: Wikimedia Commons, Public Domain

© Carlo Zeno 2025

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